The Divorced Girls Guide to Online Dating

What if I told you that I had never even texted with a guy I was dating until I was 38?

The last date I went on was in 2002, my phone looked like this and was on the cutting edge of technology with Caller ID on the outside.

I was brought up as a good Texas girl. The goal was to find a great guy before they were all snagged up, get married, have kids and be done by the time I was old as hell at 30. That’s just what you do. As a 20 year old college kid, I found a nice guy that I loved and had all the qualities a child bride would want in a husband. So obviously, you marry that. I married that and we grew up together. We built a beautiful family and got our careers going, but failed to give each other and the marriage the time, energy and attention it required. Fast forward 15 years and we were disconnected strangers and you know how the rest goes. I was never going to get divorced, that would never happen to me. Time changes things, people evolve and there is a reason that “never say never” is a common idiom.

So here I am, a single mom of 4 in her late 30s. Coparenting is giving me the first true break I’ve had in 13 years and I’m ready to see what this modern dating scene is all about.

I created accounts on Hinge, Bumble, The League and a couple of others. This was going to be a whole different situation, from the phone call only dating era, to swiping left and right digital age. Here we go.

The Popular Dating Apps

Tinder: The hook up app. Those looking for a one hit wonder. I never created a profile on this app for that reason. I know plenty of people find love here, but I wasn’t willing to go through all of the fake profiles and f boys. Pass.

Hinge: My friends in their 20s and 30s all loved this app. The general consensus was that it was filled with normal people, very few fake profiles and a great way to potentially find something real. Hinge’s slogan is the app that’s “designed to be deleted,” so that alone sounded promising. Sign me up! It became somewhat addictive and I got some good laughs and made so many fun connections. I had the best luck on this app. Hinge’s free version is great and their profiles are the best. I loved getting to look through the six photos and read the funny profile prompts like, Believe it or not, I…, I geek out on…, How my mother would describe me… and Most spontaneous thing I’ve done…

Bumble: This is the app where women make the first move. You get 24 hours to make that move or you are unmatched. Catfish levels are low because Bumble will face match your profile with a selfie to guarantee that the pictures are actually you. I didn’t find this app prompted nearly as much chatty flirtiness as hinge, nor did I find nearly as many matches that I was actually excited about. I talked to one guy I met on here for a couple of weeks, reconnected with two high school friends randomly (that alone was worth the trouble of going through profiles) and went on an absolute nightmare of a date with one dude. To sum it up, he was running late to the date because he had just gotten out of jail for public intoxication. That’s right, he spent the previous night laying on concrete for acting a fool in public. This was something that happens often, he told me. He vaped in the restaurant bar, was asked to put it away, then continued vaping at the table. And yes, was asked to put it away again. It wasn’t one of those small vape pens either, it was like a large contraption that reminded me of a cassette player or something. He was talking major trash about his “ex” who he told me he still hadn’t even filed for divorce from. At least he bragged about already having Adam Sandler’s lawyer on retainer, damn I’m impressed. He ate brussel sprouts and various other foods with his hands the drunker he got. He got so intoxicated that I had to drive him to his hotel, but first I had to take him to his car where he grabbed a suitcase and a bag of candy and snacks. He sloppily ate the snacks in my car, got chocolate all over the place and put a half melted broken Kit Kat in my mouth that I did not want as I was driving. He left all sorts of trash in my car, got out when I pulled up to the Crescent and said these words, “I really like you. If I cancel my flight to California in the morning, can I see you again tomorrow?” I said probably not.

The League: “Dating intelligently” is the tagline. You have to actually apply to become a member. The League aims to find the best of the best and only accepts around 20-30%. I never paid so I had a basic subscription once I was accepted. I didn’t love that I could only see three guy’s profiles a day, but I still had really good luck here. And by good luck I mean, dating a CEO in Oklahoma who was charming and unique, getting pretty close with him, traveling to see each other, logging tons of hours on the phone then being told I wasn’t enough of a mountain biker and trail runner to make the girlfriend cut and that he couldn’t talk any more about it because a deal was about to close and money was about to be wired. Sheesh, that one stung a little, but it’s me so I was like ok thank you, next. I also matched with a CTO of a huge household name company who was young at heart like me, had been married for a million years like me and we dated and had so much fun together off and on but never got close to anything serious. Last but certainly not least, I met a lying sneaky lawyer. Me and another girl I knew from college, that happened to also be involved with him, busted him in so many lies. We only had one actual date, but talked for a few weeks pretty frequently. Catching him in all these lies was just really interesting and a good lesson in when things feel off, they probably are. Case closed. If you are late 30s or 40s and looking for an accomplished man but don’t want to swipe through dozens of profiles daily, this is your app!

Luxy: This was supposed to be an app for the rich and beautiful. Um, yeah sure whatever. Your profile has to be voted in to become a member. If you get an over 50% approval rating, you are in! What I found was that I was one of the only people on there from the United States. I was all for traveling for rich and beautiful love, but dang, not to London or Dubai. This app only lasted a few days before I deleted it, pass!

Elite Singles: I never got into this one and also deleted it quickly. I got sent lots of “smiles” and didn’t really like the format. The only actual message I received was:

“Hello Paige. How are you? Please describe your relationship with the Lord. Hope you are having a wonderful day.”

Reliving all of this is cracking me up.

At first this app tapping was just a major ego boost and an experiment to see what guys were like these days. I was pleasantly surprised that there were so many cute, smart and successful men that also just got married really young and it didn’t end up working out. The divorce club is one you don’t want to be a part of, but there is so much relatability when you have this in common.

I quickly realized that these apps take a lot of time. If I was going to be putting my time into something I didn’t want to just be talking to anyone I found slightly attractive. So I got a little more strategic.

Paige’s Dating App Strategy

I had a great experience and found lots of success on these apps. Here is how.

1. Put in, don’t put out. You know the old saying, “you get out what you put in?” It’s true for dating apps. This can feel like a part time job with the amount of time that gets sucked into going through profiles. I was thorough with my searching and didn’t leave stones unturned. Don’t get discouraged if you swipe right one time for every 100+ swipe lefts, that was about my ratio and I still found plenty of guys to talk to.
2. Stylin’ and profilin’. Cliché live laugh love type sayings, being negative or trying to be too perfect are big no no’s in my opinion. Use a funny or playful one liner that will show your personality, everyone loves to laugh so lead with that. Try not to answer a prompt with something that could be a common answer. Example from Hinge…The prompt was “I’ll fall for you if”….so many dudes answered with “if you trip me.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAnotfunny. Harness your confidence and let it show, there is nothing more attractive than knowing your worth. Be real, whether that’s just extremely honest or showing you can make fun of yourself and don’t take everything so seriously. Showcase your unique qualities that would pique your ideal partner’s interest. As far as pictures go, do not over sell yourself. Posting the hottest picture you have ever taken at your goal weight from 6 years go with a different color hair will not do you any favors. Every single guy I FaceTimed or went on a date with said I was so much cuter in person. At first I was like, “WTH?! rude.” The more I thought about it, the more I was really happy about this repetitive comment. I want to show up to a date and leave very little room for disappointment. Our personalities make us so much cuter, so as long as your photos are good representations of your current look, you are golden! I made sure to use a mix of iPhone unedited photos and professional quality photos from the last couple of months. Some were closer up on my face (no sunglasses) and some were full length. If I had a photo uploaded with other friends in it, I made sure to zoom in on myself. I always found it so confusing when a guy had a group picture up and I wasn’t sure which one he was. The key here is to avoid the element of surprise.
3. Be open minded. Think outside the box. Having high standards and going after what you want is great, but ruling out everyone under 6’0″, over 40 that lives outside of a 10 mile radius and you may just miss someone who could be great for you! The biggest move I made that would change my entire life was switching my geographic location on hinge from Fort Worth, TX to Santa Barbara, CA where my brother lives. I stole this move from Mr. Oklahoma CEO that had his location listed as Highland Park when really he lived in OKC. I figured that I could fly out to California, visit my brother and sister in law and spend some time with someone if it ever got to that point. I had also changed my location to Austin and matched with an ER doctor that I talked to for a month or so and saw in person twice. If traveling and long distance dating is something you could see yourself doing, I highly recommend it. It’s so nice to date someone that has no idea who you are, you have no mutual friends with, they don’t know your ex and it’s such a blank slate of greatness.
4. FaceTime before face time. Once you have had enough of the DMs and decided they were worth giving your number to, move it over to text for a bit. Save yourself a lot of time and energy by FaceTiming or at the very least an actual phone conversation before you agree to go on a date. You can get a better feel for their personality, hear their voice, see their actual face and give it a vibe check. This by no means guarantees a great first date, but you can certainly figure out if it’s a definite NO. That ridiculous date I had with the vaping jail bird could have all been avoided if I prescreened him a little harder.
5. Assume everyone has a scary sex den in their homes. Do not go to a first date at someone’s house. This seems like it should go without saying, but so many of these guys want you to just come over for a drink, or come over and watch a movie. They do not. They want to go from kissing to sliding in to home in 3.4 seconds and that is an awkward situation to say the least. Make sure you have your first date in a public place. It keeps the ball in your court, gives you time to get to know them and decide if you even want to hang out again. There is zero chance of a scary sex den at the Cheesecake Factory.
6. Get noticed from the start. When you start a conversation on these apps, you can not just simply say “hey” or “you are cute.” Those kind of convo starters are a dime a dozen and will not stand out. One guy’s opening line was “4 kids!?! It’s a vagina, not a clown car!!” I found this hilarious and talked to him even though I would have never clicked yes on him just scrolling through. See what I’m getting at ladies? If you can really show your fun personality and quick wit, you can scoop up someone that may have overlooked you.

Remember that dating is supposed to be fun and exciting. I get that it can be scary and intimidating, but the sheer number of people you can meet online that you couldn’t possibly have access to meeting the old fashioned way makes it so worth it!

Have any other questions? Leave it in comments!